4/12/98

God Save Our Gracious Arafat

News item: Arafat invites Queen Elizabeth for the year 2000.

    It was a great day in the history of Palestine, which as a state didn't yet have much in the way of a history.
    Such a big day it was, that President Arafat didn't shave. That's how the Palestinian people knew it was a great day.
    For one whole day, the most famous person in the world came for a visit. No, not Monica Lewinsky; the Queen of England.
    The queen!
    "What do you mean, my khaki fatigues are at the laundromat?" Arafat berated his wife. "Now I have nothing to wear for the visit!"
    Suha did not think the English people would make such a fuss if she went there for a visit. "So wear your blue suit," she sniffed. "My mother bought you a blue suit, do you ever wear it?"
    Arafat came up with a brilliant solution (not for nothing is he president): he nationalized the laundromat, arrested the owner, and his elite police force retrieved the fatigues.
    He made it to the airport just in time. So did the queen, but unfortunately, it was the wrong airport. (No one knew the Palestinians had one.) "Well then," the queen said to her husband, quite unperturbed, "it can now be said I have been to Israel. They are so, you know, sensitive." (It was silly of him to mention that to the Palestinian journalists, which upset the Israelis, because then he told the Israeli journalists he was misquoted, which upset the Palestinians.)
    Arafat's people managed to get through to the queen's people -- luckily, Palestine's minister of communications used to work at Ben-Gurion Airport as a porter, and he still had contacts there -- and arrangements were made for the two leaders to finally meet.
    "Tell the queen to wait there," Arafat ordered. "We'll pick her up on the way, and change the itinerary. First to Jaffa, then we'll show her Jerusalem --"
    His foreign minister delicately pointed out that, well, they were still technically Israeli cities. He was arrested.
    The Israeli authorities tried to solve the problem as best they could, but there were procedures that had to be followed in such circumstances, administrative channels to endure, forms to be filled, bureaucratic processes to satisfy, and, of course, security, the latter of which caused an unavoidable delay when it transpired that the queen had not packed all her bags herself.
    By and by, the royal entourage was permitted to proceed to Palestine, thanks to special intervention by the Israeli prime minister. (His goodwill gesture made headlines in Israel, but not in Palestine, and certainly not in England.)

"WELCOME, WELCOME," said Arafat, smiling happily. "The State of Palestine welcomes Her Majesty to the State of Palestine." He had practised his speech all week, because he wanted to make a good impression.
    An army band played the national anthems of both Palestine and America, and was promptly arrested.
    Every Palestinian was very proud as the queen addressed their leader, on their own national soil.
    "My husband and I are both pleased and honored," she said.
    "My wife and I share your please and honor," President Arafat responded, and then embraced the queen, giving her a scratchy kiss on each cheek.
    "I say," the queen said, which made every Palestinian even more proud.
    President Arafat thought it would be most appropriate to commence the royal visit at his palace. It was a palace he was very proud of. "The floors are real marble," he pointed out during the grand tour. The reporters scribbled furiously, and the TV cameras gave the world its first glimpse of a Palestinian palace marble floor, live.
    In his bedroom -- Suha had done sponja that very morning, so the queen couldn't help but be impressed -- the president showed Her Majesty a fine example of Palestinian industry. She had never seen trissim before. Arafat showed her how they work. "Quite interesting," she said.
    "Your palace must be quite interesting too," he said diplomatically.
    "Quite," she agreed.
    It was already lunchtime, and a great, sumptuous feast was laid out for the entire entourage. Mohammed, the owner of Ali Baba's Middle Eastern Specialities Grill And Kiosk, went all out for this meal of meals. He personally trained a crew of 40 waiters, who were outfitted as the Forty Thieves, and he prepared a dazzling menu. "The Queen of England will never forget her lunch at Ali Baba's," he had promised Arafat. And indeed, it was the first time she ever dined on fried udder, Pickled Lamb Penis Supreme, tonsils and bull's balls soup. For dessert there was shredded wheat, which the queen had always assumed was breakfast food, and botz, which her Royal Translator informed her meant "mud."
    The queen pronounced the meal "quite interesting," so Mohammed was not arrested.
    With perfect timing, the muezzin's call rang out just as the visitors reached the Great Mosque. The queen was most intrigued. Arafat showed her how to pray. She was instructed how to kneel with her face to the floor and her tushy sticking up. It was guaranteed front-page stuff for the press photographers.
    Arafat was quite happy to engage the queen in conversation about religion. "There is much in common between your beliefs and mine," he said.
    "Surely," she said. She tried to change the subject.
    "For example, Your Majesty, our history," he continued. "It started with the same holy man, the First Palestinian."
    "I say," said the queen, almost exclaiming. "You don't mean our Lord Jesus Christ."
    "Oh yes, yes! Our Lord the Palestinian Jesus Christ! Tell me, Madame, that is better than calling him Jewish, no?"
    "I would very much like to know," the Queen of England said quickly, "about the plans of your new state. Your future, I am told, is quite promising."
    "Yes, yes, very promising. Once we have solved the many oppressive problems imposed on us by the Zionist entity. We have many plans, yes. But the Jews, they stop us always. We wish to be just like the British, a strong and growing nation, but Jewish conspiracies shackle our self-determination, Your Majesty, it is tragic. They tell us we may not be like the British."
    "But that is unconscionable!"
    "Yes. We wish to build an empire of colonies. To spread the influence of our good and great society to the four corners of the world. But these Zionists, they keep us like prisoners in concentration camps. We are not free even to walk with a queen in our own capital, al-Quds!"
    The queen said she was shocked and appalled, and promised to express her deepest dissatisfaction with Israel at the earliest possible opportunity, until the Royal Translator whispered into her ear what 'al-Quds' is. 
    Arafat felt he shared a keen understanding with the queen. "These Israelis, you do not know them as I do, Your Majesty, they are like the Irish people, they are all terrorists. Yes, terrorists. Tell me this, have we murdered British people like Shamir did, and Begin and Golda and Bibi? But they call Arafat a terrorist! Tell all these journalists, Your Majesty, who are the killers of children and pregnant women, and who is the winner of a peace prize?"
    The queen glanced at her watch.
    The president of Palestine was eager to show off the queen to his loyal citizens, so a festive parade was scheduled through downtown Gaza City. But it is a dirty, disgusting, depressing city, so the route was heavily festooned with flags and bunting and tremendous banners, and the entourage could not actually see the city beyond the colorful festoonery. All along the main road, charming little Palestinian children smiled and waved and held signs. The signs were in Arabic.
    The queen said she was deeply moved and profoundly delighted by it all, and asked what the signs said.
    "'Up With Arafat,'" Arafat answered proudly.
    "So many children, and how they love you, Mr. President!" the queen marveled.
    "Yes, yes! But there are many more you cannot see, tens of thousands of them, sitting in jail."
    The queen was horrified. Children! In jail! "What did they do?"
    "Nothing. Preventative measures."
    The queen was visibly shaken. "And the Israelis threw these poor innocents in jail for no reason?"   
    "No madame, we did, so there would be no trouble. We caught a child making a sign 'Down With Arafat,' in English, for all the world to see, so we took away him and all his collaborators."
     "Tens of thousands of children?!"
    "Oh yes, any child who can write in English."
    There simply wasn't time enough to show the queen everything -- they had not even visited the casino, or the brewery -- and sadly, the momentous day was coming to an end.
    Arafat suggested the queen stay for dinner. Most regretably, she said,  she had a prior engagement back in England. He asked if she would like to pray again, and she said she'd love to, but she had to catch a flight. Arafat sighed. He sensed that the royal visit was coming to an end. "Perhaps I will visit you in your country," he said.
    "Uh, yes. Perhaps," the queen mumbled, and looked at her watch.
    President Arafat thanked the queen for visiting Palestine, and kissed her on both cheeks (she did not kiss back). But before he would let her leave, he had a special gift for her, from the Peace Loving People of Palestine.
    The reporters whipped out their notepads, the photographers moved in closer, TV networks worldwide switched to live coverage. This, Arafat knew, would put his struggling young nation on the map.
    It was the finest example of Palestinian craftsmanship, a renowned work of art from Palestine's foremost artisan. Bursting with Palestinian pride, he graciously handed it to the queen.
    It was a little camel made out of olive wood.
    And on the side was carved the word "Shalom."
    (The artisan was arrested.)