24/12/93

Half a Holy Land

Because we can't expect the Palestinians to start a new country with nothing, can we?

    "Coffee, Mr. Chairman?"
    "Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister."
    The meeting was going very smoothly so far, thought the Palestinian leader. Mind you, the haggling hadn't even started yet.
    "So how's the family?"
    The Chairman smiled. "Kind of you to ask. But I don't really have much family. Been too busy, you know, with the liberation movement and all that. My wife is always complaining, 'Sweetheart, I never see you.' What can I say. Your wife is well? And the grandchildren?"
    The prime minister nodded amiably. "Fine, fine."
    "So," said the Palestinian.
    "So," said the Israeli. "Down to business."
    "Right. So far, we've agreed that I take Jericho and Gaza, and you can have Tel Aviv. I get the Palestinians, you get the Jews. Am I right so far?"
    The prime minister checked his list. "Yup."
    "Want to go halvesies on Jerusalem?"
    "No, but I'll give you Kalkiliya instead, all of it. You can even keep all the road signs we put up."
    "Aw, c'mon, just a little bit of Jerusalem. Say, the Philadelphia restaurant and Teddy Stadium for starters."
    "But we just built the stadium. I don't think the Betar fans'll like the deal. Tell you what. Take the Philly, and Jaffa Street, and, uh, the third floor of the Hyatt. In exchange, you let me have a window table at the Seven Trees in Jericho."
    The chairman stroked his stubble. "Jeez, I don't know. I was hoping for a sweeter pot. And I really could use a holy site or two."
    The prime minister mulled for a moment. "Alright, you can have a holy site, one helluva holy site. Mea Shearim. I'd hate to let it go, but one has to make sacrifices."
    The chairman scoffed. "Get serious. I want the Temple Mount. You give me that, and you take the Negev. Deal?"
    It was true, the PM rationalized, that the Negev was bigger than the Temple Mount, but he didn't think he could slip such a deal past his nation. Somebody was bound to find out.
    But then again, nobody said it was going to be easy divvying up the land, and there had to be some compromises.
    The Israeli offered the Palestinian a biscuit. The Palestinian took one and thanked the Israeli. "Quite nice," said the Palestinian. "Osem," said the Israeli.
     Suddenly, a solomonic solution jumped into the chairman's head. "By gum, Mr. Prime Minister, I've got it! The Temple Mount can be Palestine territory on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays; On Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays it's Israeli, and the cleaning lady can have it all day Wednesday. Perfect, no?"
    "Not so perfect. But I'll tell you what. Maybe I can arrange for you to visit once a week, I'll leave the back door open and nobody will even know you've been there. Nu, what do you think?"
    What I think, thought the chairman, is that maybe the guys were right, that another couple of months of the intifada and the Israelis would've surrendered, grateful to keep Ashdod and a kibbutz or two. He sighed. "Maybe we should just flip a coin."
    The prime minister felt a tinge of sympathy for his confrere. "I know a nice mosque just outside Tel Aviv I can let you have. A quiet location. Allah will hear your prayers even better."   The chairman perused his checklist. "Let's say we get back to that after lunch. You know, here I am, trying to build a country from bupkes, and I don't even have a cola factory."
    "But you have 7-Up."
    "And I need a bus station. Also an airport."
    "No problem," said the Israeli leader. "I've got two bus stations in Tel Aviv. You can have one. As for an airport, you can go fly a kite."
    "A communications system, a supermarket and an air force."
    "I'll give you a year's supply of asimonim, the casbah in Hebron and I'll throw in the blueprints for the Lavie fighter. Am I good to you?"
    "Too good," the keffiyehed leader smiled weakly. "What about water?"
    "We'll build you a canal from the Med to the Dead, and both seas can be all yours. That's a lot of water, my friend. We'll make do with the little one, you know, the Kinneret. And as a personal gift from me, I'd like you to have the Dead Sea bromine plant."
    "We're a little short of civil servants."
    "Take your pick."
    "And we need more roads."
    "You can have the bus lane on Derech Haifa after 7 p.m."
    "Flags."
    "You want our flags?"
    "No, our flags. You've got them all."
    "I suppose it might look funny to have a country without flags."
    "A kosher butcher."
    "You need a kosher butcher?"
    "You need so many? Give me one. You can't blame a guy for wanting the best chickens on the market. That's why I always wanted to live here, to be near a good kosher butcher."
    "Now he tells me."
    The Palestinian excused himself and went to the powder room. The Israeli straightened his tie and combed his hair. The Palestinian returned. They smiled politely at each other.
    "So," said the Israeli. "Do you have enough for a country yet?"
    What else did a fellow need to start a new country? Palestine still didn't have a laundromat, cable TV, a zoo, a nuclear reactor, accountants, a philharmonic. And a world-class holy place. The chairman cleared his throat. "Uh, Mr. Prime Minister?"
    "You want some more coffee?"
    "Thank you, no, I want the Temple Mount."
    "Again with the Temple Mount? Look, bub, I've got it, I like it, I'm keeping it and you can whistle Dixie, you ain't getting it."
    "Then I'll take it. By force."
    "You and what army?"
    The Chairman snapped his fingers. " That's what I forgot. Do you think --"
    "You want my army?"
    "Well, no, not all of it."
    "Would the National Service girls do?"
    "My shabab would like that. I'll take them. And in return you can have my collaborators."
    "How generous. But I already have them."
    "Right. Scratch that. Now, how about a bank."
    "You mean, with all the money in it?"
    "Just to get us started. And make sure it's got one of those automatic tellers. I've got  to have one."
    "Now, hold on a dang minute. This ain't Saudi Arabia, you know. I think if we're going to share the goodies, we should also share the debts. And brother, we've got some big ones."
    "How much do you owe?"
    "Don't ask."
    "Fine. Then that's settled."
    The phone rang. It was the chairman's wife. The prime minister diplomatically slipped out of the room and busied himself taking in the laundry. The chairman's wife wanted to know if she should defrost the goulash or would he pick up a sheep from the makolet that she could slaughter for supper. "And don't forget," she told him, "we're going to the theater at 8 tonight. Maybe your friend would like to come along?" He said he'd ask. They blew each other a kiss and he hung up.
    The prime minister returned. They smiled politely at each other.
    "I really must be going soon," said the chairman. "Say, would you and the missus care to see the Mikado with us tonight?"
    The PM had to beg off. "Gotta catch up on some paperwork. Bills to pay, letters to write. That's the big drawback to having a country. The damn paperwork." And anyway, the Bulgarian ambassador already invited him.
    Ambassador! Of course! The chairman brightened. "My dear Israeli friend. There is one detail we nearly overlooked. Diplomatic missions. An Israel Embassy in Palestine, a Palestine Embassy in Israel."
    The prime minister gasped. "Mr. Chairman! A wonderful idea!"
    "And you shall have any site you want in all of Jericho and Gaza for your embassy!"
    The prime minister embraced the chairman warmly. "And you shall have your pick, too."
    "Grand!" said the chairman excitedly. "May I make a special gesture, my good and great Jewish friend. I shall not insult you like the other nations. I shall not snub your capital by placing my embassy in Tel Aviv. No. It shall be in your eternal capital, Jerusalem!"
    "Yes!"
    "A glorious building. A proud Palestinian enclave."
    "Now, wait a minute --"
    "With a golden dome, maybe."
    "No!"
    "Yes! The Temple Mount! That will be our embassy!"
    The prime minister withdrew archly from the embrace. "Alright. You win. Your flag will fly from the greatest mount we have. Because," he said, showing the chairman to the door, "I'm going to build your farshtunkeneh Palestine Embassy on the Golan Heights."