31/7/98

The Great Mediator

He was born to make peace.
News item: Arafat offers to mediate between Pakistan, India.

    "First things first," said the unshaven Palestinian leader. "Which one of you is the Bakistani?"
     The gentleman from Islamabad smiled. "It is my honor to be he, and selfsame to be of good fortune to be in your presence, which doubles my honor, Excellency."
    Arafat scratched his stubble and turned to the third man in the room. "Then you would be the Indian. Or should I say, as they say now, the Native American."
    The relevant leader bowed smartly. "A hundredfold honor, my esteemed President of the Palestinian Peoples."
    The peace process had begun.
    "So," said Arafat. "We all know why I'm here. If you will forgive me, I am a little preoccupied lately. Why am I here?"
    "Peace."
    "Ah yes, beace." Arafat smiled happily. "My favorite subject." He studied his two interlocutors, and was puzzled. Neither of them looked Jewish. "Which one is the bad guy?"
    Simultaneously and acrimoniously, the Indian and the Pakistani responded. The Palestinian immediately lost his renowned patience. "Blease, blease, let us speak like friends." Miraculously, the Palestinian mediator's efforts worked. The two enemies fell silent.
    "I will tell you a story," said Arafat. "One day, me and Shimon and Yitzhak were meeting, and Shimon and Yitzhak began to argue, and I said, 'blease, blease, let us speak like friends.' And just like you, they shut up too, just like that! It was from that moment that I knew I was born to make beace. And then it happened again. With Bibi."
    "Pipi?"
    "Yes, like I said, Bibi. He was having a terrible quarrel with Levy. I was called. My advice was simple: don't talk to each other. And it worked, they never again exchanged a cross word.
    "Which is why I am here, because nobody else could solve the problem of Angora."
    "You mean Kashmir."
    "There would have been civil war in the Zionist Entity if not for me, I bet you didn't know that. The haredim and the seculars wanted to kill each other, so I told the Zionist Entities, 'what you need to make beace is a diversion. I will help you. It is something we call an "intifada," consider it my gift to you.' And for many years the haredim and seculars did not kill each other at all. Now that they are at it again, naturally I have been consulted, and to help them again stop their hatred I will announce a Balestinian state.
    "You see the ugly hatred between the Right and the Left? I will solve that too, it has already been agreed, I am going to run for brime minister of Israel, so that when I lose, all the foolish Israelis will embrace each other with relief and realize they are on the same side.
    "As you can see, the solution is very simple. There will be no arguments about Kashmir if you do what I say. Bomb Bombay."
    "Uh, Pompeii?"
    "Like I said. Bakistan will then agree to stop the bombing in exchange for the disputed territory, and you will have beace forever. Like what I told the Jews, 'beace is wonderful but only after many bombs make it seem wonderful.' That is why I created for them something we called 'Hamas.' From one minute to the next, my BLO went from radical to moderate, and we didn't even have to change a thing. Why do you think I won the beace brize?
    "So you see, that's what you have to do. Drop your atom bombs on each other, yes, that's what to do. Three or four bombs from your side, three or four from yours, and then you will stop and negotiate and get back to exactly where you are now, but it will be considered a good and great beace. Yes, you must do that.
    "It is like I told the Reform and Conservative Jews, you cannot beat the Orthodox orthodoxly. Here is what you must do, I said, drop a bomb. Not exactly a bomb, more like a bombshell. Tell them if you do not get equal rights on conversion, you will all convert to Islam and become Balestinians.
    "That is what I told the Irish -- I bet you didn't know I offered to mediate in Northern Ireland. For 30 years they fight, fight, fight, then I tell them my solution, that all the Brotestants and all the Catholics should join the Moslem Brotherhood, and right away they decide they can get along as Christians after all. I succeeded where even the Bobe failed.
    "Likewise and similarly, no rabbi can make 'shoolem' like I can: the Jews love the Jews only when they can hate the Arabs together. It is our destiny to make beace for the world, you see. This is our blight.
    "You mean, your plight."
    "Brecisely. Which is why I am here, because I am the Great Mediator, because only I could think of a solution between the Jews and the Christians when they bicker over blood and money. It is ingenious, my compromise: the offer of the Swiss banks will be deemed sufficient. In exchange, the Jews won't have to suffer from the past anymore because we will all agree that the Holocaust was a Balestinian tragedy and we'll be willing to accept whatever the Swiss banks can spare.
    "Kuwait was another good one, we had many thousands of our best Balestinians there. Iraq wanted another war with Iran, but they're such rotten warriors, so I said to Saddam, 'I have many fighters right next door, but they are soft, they are working as engineers, therefore you must first take Kuwait and then you will have all these excellent fighters to invade the Bersian enemy in exchange for a bercentage of the earnings from the conquered oil fields,' but sadly the Americans ruined the plan. That's what sometimes happens when Bush comes to shove."
    "You mean 'push...'"
    "No, I mean 'Bush.'"
    The Palestinian mediator checked his watch. "Ya'alla! I have to be in Kosovo by nine tonight. We really must wrap things up, gentlemen." He paused, furrowing a brow. "Now, why am I here? Oh, yes. Your atom bombs. I want one. I'm prepared to buy from the lowest bidder, and I'll pay in cash. You take shekels?"