12/7/02

'A Nose Like a Watermelon'

... And other words of wisdom from the people who run our lives.

   Been reading the papers lately?

   It isn't kids who say the darndest things, it's newsmakers. Like the esteemed MK Issam Mahoul, who's apparently intelligent enough to be a Knesset lawmaker, commenting on the blockade of Ramallah: "Even the world's worst regimes wouldn't dare contemplate deeds as heinous as Israel's." When I originally read that, I fantasized that a swarm of reporters leaped up and challenged his absurdities: "Mr. Mahoul, what are the world's worst regimes? Are they all Arab countries? And what deed would they contemplate, a massacre?"

   Arab propaganda is so effective because it manipulates the great failing of Western journalism: the acquiescent acceptance of lies as fact (fact is, that's what Mahoul said), rather than the pursuit of under-lie-ing truth.

   Based on this oblivious acquiescence, Israel's detractors have hit upon a clever spin on the Big Lie -- actually, the Serial Lie -- turning black to white and white to black, stating the opposite with a straight face, fully assured they won't have to back it up. So when Asad Abdul Rahman, the chief Palestinian negotiator on the refugee issue, said "I think we have been exposed to a real holocaust," that's what millions of trusting newspaper readers understood to be true, because there it was, in stark black and white.

   It's brazen, but it works: the Arabs routinely accuse Israel of doing what they themselves do, with whatever is calculated to convince -- histrionics, humanitarian concern, smug mockery -- and project upon themselves the inherent qualities and principles of Israel. You just knew Yasser Arafat would say something like this, following the capture of the Karine-A: "As you can see, the Israelis make up stories. Now it's about a ship."

   That's how Hosni Mubarak can get away with saying such an astonishing thing such as this: "... There are attacks against me in the Western press accusing me of dictatorship. The true dictatorship is in Israel, where the verdicts of the judiciary are not implemented and human rights do not exist." No principled reporters leaped up to challenge him, because he was speaking to a forum of Egyptian journalists in Cairo, where absolute truths about dictatorships are dictated.

   The Israeli approach is dumb: we assume there's intelligence on the planet, and don't think we have to assert the obvious. But then we have to sit down a guy like US Assistant Secretary of State for Near East Affairs William Burns, and explain things in very simple words. (Inadvertently, I'm sure, this newspaper's on-line edition squeezed a headline about the arrival of Burns and his delegation, so that it read: "Bush sends Bums to region.") The ASS for NEA tried very hard to be even-handed, so when he criticized the Palestinians, he had to also scold Israel -- for "stereotyping Palestinians over the past year, dehumanization through media, checkpoints, closures, and other actions that have no direct security justification." Obviously, Burns watches CNN.

   CNN. Don't we love to dump on it? Let's not forget the little fooferaw over its decision to remove Jerusalem from a list of cities in Israel, on the CNN Internet weather forecast site. This was part of a CNN decision not to refer to Jerusalem as a part of Israel. Explained Scott Woelfel, president of CNN Interactive: "Jerusalem is a city that is under dispute... What we're trying to do is not take a side and not appear to be biased one way or another."

   Don't try to understand the logic; just shake your head and carry on. There's worse ahead.

   What is Syria supposed to say about terrorism at a time when it's on the UN Security Council? Frankly, it could say whatever it wants. President Bashar Assad told a visiting US congressional delegation that Washington "could benefit from the experiences of countries that have fought terrorism," -- but wait! He didn't mean Israel; his statement concluded: "especially Syria." Can you imagine?! No reporter, or congressman, leaped up to point out that the Syrian experience was a genocide of 20,000 residents.

   Meanwhile, from the mouth of Assad's defense minister, Mustafa Tlas: "We live a tradition of martyrdom. When I see a Jew before me, I kill him. If every Arab did this, it would be the end of the Jews." Did I mention that this country is the UN's choice for keeping the world a safe place?

   But every so often, they make a mistake: they tell the truth.

   Ismail Haniya, a Hamas leader, said in The Washington Post that Palestinians have Israelis on the run because they have found their weak spot. Jews, he said, "love life more than any other people, and they prefer not to die."

 

   NOT THAT I'm equating one with the other, but our own luminaries are capable of saying the darndest things too.

   Why do you automatically assume I'm referring to Shas?

   OK, I am, but it's coincidence.

   The draft of a Shas letter requesting a pardon for Aryeh Deri called on President Katsav to take into account the great contribution that Deri has made to society, including bringing the religious and secular communities closer together. Astonishing, considering that -- in addition to the generous contributions that society (unwittingly) made to Deri, which got him imprisoned -- his cynical machinations in blaming secular Ashkenazim for his fate caused the worst societal rift in years.

   On the other hand, "I knew the Almighty would make the right decision," he said, after the Knesset passed the "Deri Law" allowing convicts (specifically, Deri) half time off for good behavior. You don't suppose he could have attributed the punishment for his crimes to heavenly justice? Nah. It's God's will if it fits the bill.

   Shas failed to get the Knesset to legalize its pirate radio station, so the party reportedly did what it does best: threatened to bring down the government. In a time of war, it's comforting to know our politicians have a sense of priorities. Shas spokesman Yitzhak Sudri denied the report, saying: "The days of threats from Shas to leave the government are over." Let's remember that one!

   There was a head-on collision in the Knesset between opposing MKs. Yitzhak Vaknin (Shas): "I am suggesting that there is a direct connection between the increase in traffic accidents and the screening of [pornographic] movies, because people stay up to watch them until 3 a.m." Yosef Lapid (Shinui) retorted: "The traffic accidents are caused by evening prayers because people are praying instead of going to sleep." And that's how our leaders deal with such vital issues.

   Here's something I've given a lot of thought to, and still don't know what to make of it. Shas spiritual leader Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, in a sermon, commenting on the beauty of women: "A man who marries a woman whose nose looks like a watermelon will have a son who looks like a cucumber." Suggestions, anyone?

   Funny, but sad, that a recent report on a Shas fundraising event concluded with this: "A children's choir performed the song 'The Whole World Is Against Us...' "

   A similar refrain from the Europeans: "Normally, when we go abroad we are respected," said Giancarlo Chevellard, European Union ambassador to Israel; "Here it is exactly to the contrary... there is a sentiment of humiliation." That's the best indication we're doing something right.

   Two years ago, Natan Sharansky proposed a Saturday-Sunday weekend. Unfortunately, two days later Sharansky resigned as interior minister. Then came the war. Since then, we've read reportsof Tel Aviv weighing a bid for the 2012 Olympics, and rumored plans of an Israeli Disneyland, and the first Israeli is soon to go into space, but we still have to work on Sundays. If Shas promises us a normal weekend, I'll vote for them. (Relax, it's only a campaign promise.)

   Old soldiers never die, they become old Israeli politicians who never die. Consider these two remarkably similar farewell quotes, no different from so many others we've heard in the past:

   Ehud Barak: "I will remain a reserve soldier in the service of the homeland, ready to answer any call, but only if absolutely necessary."

   Amnon LipkShahak: "I'll stay involved with what happens here. If they need my help, I won't turn my back."

   They're still waiting by the phone. They still don't get it.

   Karenna Gore Schiff seemed to be speaking about Barak, but she was referring to her father, Al Gore, in saying she favors another bid for the US presidency: "It makes your heart sick about what he could do if he were in that job." I think she meant the opposite of what she said.

   Which brings us to Shimon Peres.

   Read this, and think "Oslo": "I am bored with history for the simple reason that you cannot change it. ... Okay, learn the past -- then you will not repeat the mistakes of the past, you will make new mistakes. Making mistakes is inevitable."

   This from the man who lost elections again and again ...

   Preceding the last elections, Peres proved his point about the inevitability of (both old and new) mistakes:

   "I am sure Sharon deeply regrets having called Arafat a liar and a murderer. Any man who thinks that Arafat is a liar and a murderer cannot serve as prime minister."

   ... and again and again and again and again.

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