16/1/01

BS and the PM

But Seriously interviews the prime minister, but seriously. 

     Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for this exclusive interview. To begin with, why have you chosen davka this column to speak to?

    The reason is, I have a lot to account for, and that takes time, and my time as prime minister is very limited, so I can't just sit around with journalists answering for myself. So if I have little chance to explain, I have to tell the truth once and for all, and this is the once, and it has to be for all.
    This is what my media advisers decided. You see, we figured out that the country is split half and half, and half of a half is voting for me, which includes half the people who voted for me last time. That includes the Jews and Arabs, Ethiopians and Russians, religious and secular, male and female, even the decideds and undecideds, everybody -- except, we discovered, the anglo-saxim, which is split 50.00001 to 49.99999. We isolated the difference to two immigrants from Florida, a guy named Roger and his wife Alice, and they have nothing in common but one thing: they both read this column. Why, I don't know.
    These two people are the swing voters. And not for the first time. We learned a lesson from the American elections.

     How so?

    I'm taking them out to dinner tomorrow.

     Wow! Does Arik know about this?

    He's having them over for bourekas tonight.

     Mr. Prime Minister, there is unanimous consensus that you are the worst Israeli leader ever; in fact, many people wonder if perhaps you are the best Palestinian leader ever. You're so unpopular, even Peres could win an election against you. You have been a stunning disaster. Is this fair?

    What can you expect from an Israeli leader? Only that he should do his best. I have done my best, and you see the results. But next time, I will do much better.

     Next time?! You don't have a snowball's hope in hell of winning the elections. Where do you get your delusionary optimism?

    My mother's side. When the kids on the street used to taunt me and say I look like a turtle, my mother would shout at them, "Someday little Ehud will be prime minister and then you'll all be sorry." She knew, even back then.

     In the 18 months you led this country down the toilet, would you say you made any blunders?

    I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. My only regret is, I should have proclaimed the Temple Mount sovereign Palestinian territory when Arik was on it. The foolish man wasn't even carrying his passport.

     You promised, swore, vowed, guaranteed and pledged that Jerusalem will never be divided, which is why people voted for you. Nu?

    I repeat, Jerusalem will not be divided. Subtracted, yes. But let's be fair: they were here first. Jesus was Palestinian, and Adam and Eve -- you wrote that yourself, in this very column.

     It's a humor column, sir. It was a joke.

    Oh.

     If reelected, will you keep your promises this time?

    I will not make promises I can't keep, I promise. This is a good example of how the media twists the facts. I said a lot of things that the people of Israel needed to hear to give me their votes. That's not "making promises," it's "politics." What, was everyone born yesterday?

     Throughout this recent intifada, you not only promised, swore, vowed, guaranteed and pledged assurances to Israelis every time you opened your mouth -- and then never followed through -- but you also warned, cautioned and threatened the Palestinians just as often, and then never followed through. I remind you of the infamous schoolyard-mentality "48-hour warning or else" that had Hizbullah quaking -- not in fear, but in laughter.

    More proof that the media is out to get me. Sure, they made a big thing out of that, but when Arik visited the Temple Mount, I warned him to leave within 48 hours or else, and he did, but no one reported that.
    You can be sure, mark my words, next time I give a "48-hour warning or else," it will be exactly 48 hours and then zbeng!, the settlers who don't leave will be in a foreign country.

     Where would the settlers go?

    They can go settle the Negev.

     By granting the Palestinian refugees the right of return, a million Israelis will be kicked out of their homes, thus creating a Jewish refugee problem. The country will be half the size with twice the people.

    No, no, no, you don't understand. The right of return is fair and equal. The Palestinians will be allowed to return to Israel, and the Israelis  will have the right to return to Iran, Iraq, Russia, Poland. I think I can get the Palestinians to agree to this.

     Back to the intifada: You have been accused of everything from indecision to cowardice.

    Cowardice? Says who?!

     Remember, when you went to Gilo to show solidarity, you stayed on the safe side of the neighborhood. You posed for a few pictures then got the hell out; you didn't go to the other side because, you explained, your security people felt it was "dangerous" there.

    If Gilo ever comes under fire again, I vow, we will not sit idly by for even one second. We will shoot at Gilo too, with a hundred times the firepower, so that no one can question the readiness of the IDF to respond, and respond fiercely. And this time, you have my word, the United Nations will not condemn us.

     You mean, attack Jews?!

    CNN has promised sympathetic coverage. You cannot underestimate the importance of this.

     Do you have any other surprises in store?

    Nope. There is nothing more Arafat could ask for.

     There was a time when Israelis thought the ultimate sacrifice for peace was giving up Sinai. That was traumatic enough, yet now you're practically apologizing for wanting to keep the Western Wall.

    I guarantee that we will never, ever give the Wall to the Palestinians as long as they don't ask for it.

     I don't even want to ask about your promised secular revolution.

    I'm glad you brought that up. You have my word on this, every haredi will be a fighting soldier. I have a brilliant solution: They don't want to fight in a Jewish army, but they have no reservations about fighting against Jews. So we will give Mea Shearim to the Palestinians, even if they don't ask for it.

     That's a solution?!    

    Sure. That way, all the guns we gave the Palestinians will end up in Jewish hands.

     It seems that the nature of the peace process has changed under your tenure -- that you are in reality negotiating terms of surrender. The Palestinians certainly think so: they're now calling you a war criminal, and saying you and the entire government should stand trial.

    After all I've done for them.

     Experts say you may have set a historical precedent, that this is the first time a country declined to defend itself against an inferior attacking enemy.

    Not true. Israel has done it before. And that is the basis for my strategy: we responded to the stone-throwers exactly the same way we responded to Saddam's Scuds, by showing we are fearless inside our sealed rooms. 

      You control the most vaunted army in the world, yet a ragged rabble of rock-throwers could lay siege to vital bridges and roads and towns for months; why didn't you use the IDF to defend the country? After all, it is the Israel Defense Forces.

    Never thought of it. I'm a general. I'm trained in the use of military might for offensive options: to wage full-scale warfare, or retaliate, or attack.

     I see. Well, thank you Mr. Barak.

    Thank you Mr. Orbach.

     Orbaum.

    Or bomb? Yes, that was another option. Next time, I promise...