28/6/96

Close Encounters of the Israeli Kind

Ot scratched an antenna. ‘I have a message from my planet to yours...’

    The spaceship landed and a strange creature emerged. He straightened his antennae, dusted himself off and looked around. He grinned. "So this is Earth," he said, as any intergalactic traveler would. It was pretty much as he'd expected: trees, hills, air, one moon.
    He walked for a while and came upon a small stone building. He entered, and tapped an earthling on the shoulder. "Take me to your --"
    "Shhh," the earthling said curtly, "can't you see the rabbi's in the middle of his sermon?"
    The creature noticed that everyone in the room beheld one man, who was speaking stridently and flailing his arms about. Aha, the creature thought, so that's what arms are for. He was beginning to understand this complex species.
    The creature listened. The rabbi spoke of universal brotherhood, good will, charity, love and peace. Funny, the creature thought, that's exactly what he'd come all the way through several solar systems to seek.
    So! This fellow must be their leader!
    Throwing all caution to the vacuum, the creature stepped up to the rabbi. "Excuse me, I have come in search of  --"
    The congregation was abuzz. The rabbi glared at him. "And who are you?"
    "My name is Ot, your majesty. From the planet Ilk. We're neighbors actually; my solar system is the fourth one over on the left."
    From his pew, Goldberg was able to get a good look at the creature.  "Jewish he's not," he whispered to Fleisher.
    Fleisher nodded sagely. "Maybe he's one of them."
    Rosen gasped. "An Arab?"
    Goldberg shrugged. "Who knows?"
    Within seconds, everyone knew they had a terrorist in their midst. A dozen brave men surged forward and cuffed Ot to the floor.
    "But I offer you peace!" Ot cried out.
    "The words of the devil!" someone shouted from the women's section.
    "No," said Ot, "the words of your leader."
    "He's from the government!" somebody shrieked. "Throw him out!"
    And they did.
    Ot staggered away. He wondered if he'd said something wrong. Or maybe there were in fact different species of earthlings, some peaceful, some warfaring; maybe he should try again.
    He wandered for a while, admiring the pretty planet, and soon came upon another habitat. This one had many small dwellings and in their midst, a towery spiral structure.
    "Take me to your leader," Ot said to the first earthling he came upon there.
    "You are one of them?" the human asked.
    My, word does get around, Ot thought. "Yes," he said, "I come to you in the name of universal peace."
    "Allahu akbar," the human responded shrilly.
    Ot was not familiar with the term. The young man kindly translated it for him: "God is great."
    "Indeed he is," Ot exclaimed, happy to have found a common understanding at last. "In fact, I passed Him on the way here, and He gave me His blessings."
    "Allahu akbar," the human repeated excitedly. Ot felt he finally had some sort of dialogue going.
    A crowd formed. "Allahu akbar," everyone agreed.
    Ot's new friend explained to the others: "He is one of them. He wants peace."
    Someone from the crowd shouted: "He wants our land, our blood, our mothers' backs broken."
    "He wants to kill us!" 
    "Kill him!"
    Rocks rained down on him. He escaped with his life, but one of his antennae was bent. Damn, he thought, that would make it all the more difficult to communicate.

OT DECIDED he'd collected enough evidence about the species. He knew that his report would stun the fellows back at the Academy: contrary to expectations, the atmosphere on planet Earth is not hospitable.
    He lost his way back to the spaceship, and found himself in a large city. So many earthlings! None of them stopped to say hello, to greet a visitor from afar -- but on the other hand, nobody tried to harm him either.
    When finally a humanoid did speak to him, it seemed he was the only one in the city not bustling about. He was sitting on the sidewalk, his hand outstretched.
    "Got any money?"
    Ot was moved: it was the first time any earthling had expressed personal concern for him. "Travelers' checks," Ot said with a warm smile.
    "Get lost," the man said, waving Ot away dismissively. (So many interesting uses for arms, Ot marveled.)
    "Oh, but I am lost, and frankly, I'd rather not be. You see, I came in search of your leader to --"
    "Whoa right there. I didn't vote, so don't blame me."
    "You mean Earth chooses its leader by vote? That's quite a concept."
    "Hey, man, what planet are you from?"
    "Ilk."
    "So you don't have newspapers? This is a democratic country, our leader was elected fair and square."
    "Everybody voted for him?"
    "Well, no..."
    "The majority, then."
    "No. About a third."
    "So the majority voted against him."
    "Yeah, but a bigger majority voted against all the other candidates, that's how we choose a leader."
    Ot scratched an antenna. "Let me get this straight. I have a message from my planet to yours, but the best I can do is speak to a leader of one third of one country --"
    "One tiny country. And I wouldn't even say that third is really a third of the country, because you can't include the people who couldn't vote, or wouldn't, or didn't, and by now I don't think many of the people who did vote for him would vote for him again. So let's say, for the sake of accuracy, he represents the majority of a third of the eligible voters from among the greater population of little Israel, which, in global terms, means you'd be speaking to the leader of less than a million out of more than four billion, or .00025% of Earth."
    "Not exactly what I traveled millions of light-years to hear."
    "And being such an important man, he can't be expected to speak to some schmo off the street."
    Ot was in despair. "Who will hear my offer of peace?"
    "Hold on there," the man on the sidewalk said. "If that's what you've come for, you're in luck. Our leader happens to specialize in peace. He won a prize, you know."

"I'VE COME to see your leader," Ot said confidently. The guard at the door scoffed. "He ain't in."
    "But I've come to offer peace," Ot explained.
    "Go right inside," the guard said. "He'll see you right away."
    The prime minister looked at his visitor balefully. "You can have the Negev. Beersheba is negotiable. That's my final offer for a just, complete and comprehensive peace. Where did you say you're from?"
    "Ilk."
    "You must agree to end the state of war against us, accept open borders, exchange ambassadors and donate heavily to the Palestinian cause. You must agree to allow your Jews to emigrate -- you do have Jews, don't you?"
    "No. But a few Martians. And they're not too badly off, I assure you."
    "What more can we give you?"
    "Actually, a handshake would have been enough."
    "You drive a hard bargain. We'll build up your army, your economy, your population."
    "Thank you, but what're --"
    "Water? Are you crazy? I'd have to give you the Galilee too! All right, so take the Galilee, but you're going to pay heavily for this, you're going to have to declare peace. No more war and all that." 
    "OK, OK, it's a deal, just tell me this: what're the chances of spreading my message to the rest of the world?"
    The prime minister looked Ot square in the eye. "When you make peace with Israel," he said, resonantly but with a bit of an accent, "you make peace with the Planet Earth."
    Mission accomplished, Ot said to himself with great satisfaction as he maneuvered his spacecraft through a hole in the ozone layer. The Academy will be proud of him.
    On the way back home, Ot made a stopover.
    "It wasn't easy," he told God, recounting his experiences among the Chosen People. "I mean, the people who believe in You don't take Your words at face value; the people who don't believe in You assume a godliness of their own and preach Your words as their own."
    God sighed. "I know, I know. I made some mistakes with that planet, I admit it. I thought I could do it all in six days."
    "You did your best."
    "I gave each of them a brain, a heart, a soul, I figured they'd work things out intelligently."
    Ot shrugged philosophically. "Peace is something they already have or will never have, but cannot acquire."
    "It's not as if it's such an interpretive concept. I mean, did I have to spell it out as a commandment?"
    "Maybe the problem is that, with so many leaders, what they call politics and religion have become the primary human industry; the many serving the few purporting to serve the many." Ot shook his head. "It took me 300 years of space travel to learn that."
    God smiled. "The next time you think of flying through space just to tell some fool humans 'Take me to your  leader,' come and see Me first."