19/10/01

The Coalition

On September 11, Mohammed came to the Mountain.
Now, the whole world (almost) is at war against one single man. Here's what happened in between. (If you believe everything else that's been happening, you'll believe this.)

    "Mr. Arafat? This is the White House. President Bush would like to speak to you."
    "I accept the charges," the Palestinian leader said.
    "Uh, no need, sir, we have funds for this." The American leader got on. "Yasser? George. Listen, I've been putting together this coalition of enlightened, peace-loving nations to, y'know, put the kibosh on this terrorism thing, and I thought it'd be great if you'd join us, waddaya say?"
    Very funny, Arafat thought, rolling his eyes. One of the guys over at Hamas horsing around again. After all, he reminded himself, they don't call me the George Washington of Terrorism for nothing. He'd started it all, perfected it, glorified it. Terrorism was Arafat's greatest contribution to mankind, and the ultimate consequence was September 11. (Why, he wondered, hadn't the Americans come up with a name for it?)  
    Arafat couldn't believe that some prankster thought he'd fall for this. "Yes, Bushy, yes! You will give us your atom bombs and we will drop them on the evil terrorists! Ha ha!"
    There was a momentary pause at the other end. "Uh, yes, we were anticipating such a request. I, we would, uh, probably have to coordinate this, y'know. Let there be no mistake, I'm not necessarily saying no at this point in time. So. Can I put you down as a 'yes'?"
    Arafat suddenly remembered, no one over at Hamas had a sense of humor. In fact, nobody he knew did. This couldn't be a joke -- but even more certainly, it couldn't be for real.
    Then it hit him: It must be a trick! A conspiracy! A plot! (Because really, everything is, right?) The thing to do, he realized, was to play along, and trip up this American dog, and prove that this Arab is no fool.
    (One must understand the difference between the Middle East and the West. Over here, black is white and white is black, but for every intrigue there is suspicion of deception cloaked in subterfuge, so that white returns to black and black returns to white and vice versa again, by the end of which, black is probably both black and white, and white is likely both black and white, and neither. In the West, there is only white. Black is called something else.)
    "Mr. President, I'm afraid I couldn't possibly say yes unless you also invite the Syrians." The Syrians! Ho ho! That's a good one!
    "We already have. They said yes."
    Arafat was startled. "Really?"
    "No doubt about it. Make no mistake, Syria is very committed to world peace and the war against terrorism at this point in time."
    "Did you specify Arab terrorism?"
    "Why no, of course not, far be it from me to stereotype the Muslim people in this odious manner, I --"
    "George, they think you want to bomb the settlers."
    "Oh."
    Now he was really suspicious. If Syria and the Palestinians were going to lead the war against world terrorism, then who were they going to fight against? On the other hand, Syria was about to join the UN Security Council, and Arafat did have his Nobel Peace Prize. Perhaps this was a brilliant plan to avoid a world war, by having all your enemies on your side. Which brings up ...
    It was a stupid question, but Arafat couldn't stop himself. "And what about Iran?" Like, what, his terrorists were going to fight their terrorists?
    "In like Flynn. Said they couldn't just stand by while countries were sponsoring terrorism and all that. Make no mistake about it, they told me, they abhor the death to Americans at this point in time."
    "Uh, this is the country that chants 'Death to America' three times a day."
    "They were misquoted. Anyway, strictly speaking, 'Death to America' doesn't mean they support death to Americans. Just like your people dancing in the streets didn't mean you were actually happy about our misfortune. Look, I know we've had our differences with the Iranians, but I really got the feeling they don't want to be on the other side."
    "Well, who is on the other side? Only Afghanistan?"
    "No, no, we have no irrefutable proof yet. We're merely 99.99 percent sure, and besides, you can't say that all the Afghanistan people are bad, which is why we want to ascertain who, if anyone, is individually to blame, and then, by God, we'll smoke them out of their holes, if we can find the aforementioned holes and be absolutely sure there aren't any innocent bystanders nearby who might be unfairly harmed. In addition, we're in the process of delivering American aid to the suffering people of Afghanistan, so how would it look if first we fed them, then we killed them?"
    Arafat fell off his chair. "You're what?!"
    "We brook no prejudice and harbor no grudge. They're human beings, no different from you or me. The American Civil Rights covers all the folks of the world. That's why we're giving them food and money."
    Maybe this really was a practical joke. "Food -- and money?! I don't get it, Mr. President! They're preparing for war with you and you're giving them money?!" This was exactly what Arafat was demanding of his own enemy.
    "Oh, sure, tens of millions. But make no mistake, we gave them specific instructions to use the money to buy more food. You don't suppose they would -- y'know, it never occurred to me."
    "So, uh, is Afghanistan going to be in your coalition?"
    "We asked them. Y'know, this is a world war against world terrorism, and we want to make sure everyone is on our side. So we gave those folks a chance to join us against that one man who is personally responsible for all evil. We asked the folks of Afghanistan to cooperate and end world terrorism by handing over this man. They said sure, no problem, but then they lost him. Well, misplaced him. Even as we speak, they're smoking out all the holes in Afghanistan looking for him. In the meantime, we've taken grievous steps against him."
    Arafat was wide-eyed with excitement. "What? You kidnapped his family? Car-bombed his headquarters? Poisoned his water supplies? Tell me, tell me!"
    "No, but just let him try using his credit cards."
    Arafat was beginning to get the picture. It was too good to be true; if only ... nah, no way.
    "So if I say yes, in the name of the peace-loving, anti-terrorism people of Palestine, what will you want from us? Terrorists?"
    "You mean 'fighters,'" Bush politely corrected him. "No, no, we've got enough fighters."
    "Money, then."
    "You must be kidding."
    "Weapons? We have more than we can use."
    "No, keep your weapons, you may need them. Look, you don't have to do anything. Just say yes, and I'll put you on our list, so we can say 'See, even the Palestinians are against terrorism.' This is how we'll know who doesn't get bombed the crap out of."
    Well. The obvious thing for the Palestinian leader to do was say yes, and join the world coalition against ... against ...
    Against whom?
    Except for one, single man -- who could surely be bumped off without the consent of five or six billion people -- there was no enemy.
    "I beg your pardon, Mr. President, but it seems to me that the whole world, with the exception of one missing person, is on the same side."
    "Not exactly."
    "Aha. Iraq then."
    "No, we're still deliberating about them. At this point in time, the only country not on our side is Israel. I asked all the countries and they agreed. Unanimously."
    For a fleeting moment, Arafat thought he heard him say "Israel." Which couldn't be, of course. Arafat blinked. Then again, considering all the logic in this thing, which even by the weirdest Middle Eastern standards was too bizarre to be true, it had to be!
    It's what he'd been saying all along -- that the Israelis are the true terrorists!
    "Yes!" the Palestinian leader shouted joyously. "Yes, I'll join! When can we start the war?!"
    Bush was pleased. He didn't expect this to be easy, but no other leader had been this enthusiastic. One thing he now knew for sure: the Israelis did not understand this man.
    "Not at this point in time. First we have to identify the enemy."
    "We already know! By Allah, everyone knows!"
    This was precisely what Bush needed from Arafat. Intelligence!
    "Well then, tell me, and we'll start this war before you can put on a uniform. Make no mistake about it."