3/5/96

What the PM really thinks

In this exclusive interview -- the first one the prime minister ever granted a humor columnist -- our exalted leader reveals  unknown thoughts on his personal life, his policies and the O.J. Simpson trial.

    But Seriously: Senior sources claim you really enjoy reading this column. My readers would love to know.

    Prime Minister: No. I never read it. I never even heard of it. Or you.

    Oh.

    Can I go now?

    Well, I was hoping to fill a page with this stuff. I'd look pretty foolish if we ended here.

    Sigh. Let's get it over with.

    Oh goody! My next question is: if you could spend 10 minutes with anybody in the whole wide world, who would you choose?

    My press adviser, so I could fire him. 

    If you could be prime minister for 10 minutes, what would you do to change the country?

    Mr. Orbaum, you are an idiot.

    Under the circumstances, you can skip that one.

    Perhaps you could ask me a question about, you know, politics.

    Hey! That could be interesting!

    Try me.

    Are you for the peace process or against it?

    Good question. I never really thought of it before. My answer is, in a word, that, all things considered, it is a point to ponder that the case at hand really only concerns itself with the be-alls and end-alls of the crux of the matter which is, not to put too fine a line on it, the way it should be. And you can quote me.

    Uh, was that a yes or a no?

    Let me clarify what I have just made perfectly clear. What we need is a just, lasting and comprehensive peace. An end to bloodshed, an end to hatred. No more war. Peace for our children's sake, and our grandchildren's and all the way up to and including our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren and all of their fathers and forefathers. We must recognize the legitimate rights of all concerned parties to the conflict and create defensible and internationally recognized borders to right the historical wrongs done to the innocent and powerless women and children of a tragic conflict and that, as I see it, is the best hope for peace in Bosnia.

    I meant the Israeli-Arab peace process.

    Same answer.

    Mr. Prime Minister, my theory is that all the tensions of the Middle East are due to one historic error, to wit, the failure to designate Sundays as a weekend. Everybody in the entire region would be totally, you know, chilled out, after a nice, long two-day weekend. Arab and Jew would be out there visiting relatives and playing shuffleboard or horseshoes and laying about getting a tan while the dog is chasing gleeful children around the freshly-mowed lawn while granny serves lemonade and gramps reminisces about his college days. And then after a couple of hours of fishing from the houseboat, we all repair to our country houses and sing Peter, Paul and Mary ditties until 11, when we gather 'round the ol' Zenith watching Johnny Carson reruns. That would be, you must admit, a different Middle East.

    Hmm. Good idea. I'll suggest it to the ayatollahs  next time I'm in Iran.

    What is your opinion of the O.J. Simpson trial?

    It was different from the Deri trial. Shorter.

    I'd like to ask you about your love life. Is it true your wife stopped loving you ever since Oslo 2 was signed?

    She ...

    We can get back to that question later. What is Yasser Arafat really like behind closed doors? Did he ever try to take you hostage?

    I can't say I've really come to know the real Arafat, because we now believe the man we've been negotiating with is really a look-alike stand-in. A mohel from Givat Olga who answers to Arafat's exact description has been on the missing persons list since the day the peace process began.

    The nation would like to see you, once and for all, give Syria the finger. We'd like to see you remind Assad why we happen to occupy his territory, and insist he fall to his knees and beg forgiveness for a couple of years before we'll even consider talking peace. We would like to know what moral justification there is to a victim being indebted to a belligerent. Why, Mr. Prime Minister, are we declining to criticize Syria's open support of terrorism and war-mongering, while granting it credibility as a peace partner? Why should a responsible nation bear the onus of rehabilitating an unrepentant criminal state that will not even dignify our extraordinary efforts with humility? What exactly do we stand to gain after giving up everything?

    Ha, ha, ha. You really are a funny guy.

    Actually, I wasn't joking.

    You think it's easy being a prime minister in a Jewish country?

    No, I --

    Well, how would you bring peace to the region?

    I'd start with the Jews. With the Arabs it's simple: it's them against us. With us it's more difficult.

    With us it's impossible: Left against Right, religious against secular, Ashkenazi against Sephardi -- how can one make peace between intractable opposites?

    Little by little; one problem at a time. First you begin with the smokers and non-smokers. Then, those who like the air-conditioner on high, and those who like it low. You gain momentum with small victories, then you take on the biggies.

    That would take more time than I have before the next elections. Who are you planning to vote for?

    Not you. Sorry.

    Was it something I said?

    Yes.

    What can I do to get myself reelected?

    Give the Palestinians the vote.

    I would like to address the issue of the state of the economy. My government has gone farther than any other in enriching this country, in building a sound basis for economic development, and in fact I would say we are on the way to becoming an economic superpower. What improvements would you say we have made to the everyday life of Israelis?

    The price of frozen chickens has gone down since you became prime minister. It is fair to say the Likud did not endear itself to the public by its failure to address its resources to this pressing matter.

    Is that the extent of our success? After all we have striven to accomplish to pull this nation out of the backwaters of the economic botz, I would say we have become a rich country in a short time. Hasn't anyone noticed?

    Yes. The world has another reason to hate us. 

    It is said we are becoming the Hong Kong of the Middle East. Would you agree?

    Yes. Hong Kong is a democratic territory about to be handed over to totalitarian despots who have no regard for human rights.

    If you don't mind me changing the subject, my government would like some help with the water problem. Can you propose any ready solutions?

    Instead of watermelons, we should grow dried fruit. Also, it's silly that everyone makes soup from sweet water and then adds salt. There should be a law that soup must be made from sea water, of which there's no shortage. And think of the salt we'd save.

    Jerusalem's 3,000 anniversary celebrations have been snubbed diplomatically. How can we avoid the same embarrassment in a couple of years, when we mark the state's 50th birthday?

    Invite only Jewish people. Then everybody will want to come.

    In closing, I would like to bring up my government's vision of the New Middle East, about a future in which Israel is at the center of a flourishing Levantine conglomeration in which natural, human and intellectual resources combine to make our region a global powerhouse, returning greatness and glory to the Old World such as we have not seen in 2,000 years. Do you fully comprehend how this will metamorphose our existence for a thousand generations?

    It won't pay my mortgage.

    Thank you.

    You're welcome, Mr. Prime Minister.

NOTE: This was originally written as an interview of PM Rabin; it was submitted to the newspaper in early November 1995. Before its scheduled run on Nov. 11, Rabin was assassinated. The column was removed. It was published half a year later, almost unchanged, as an interview of PM Peres.