14/12/01

Hanukka -- A Black Comedy

NOTICE: All rights of this play are reserved. No part of this work may be used by anti-Semites without written consent. Anti-Semites don't need this to prove the Jews are a bit peculiar. We know we are.

OBSCENE I

It is the first day of Hanukka. The curtain rises to reveal the Wall, the last remnant of the Temple, which many Palestinians would be surprised to learn was Jewish. A woman, Hannah, and her seven-year-old daughter Rahel, are praying. Hannah, holding a Sefer Torah, is religious but not Orthodox, so she wears a kipa and tallit, which shows respect for God but disrespect for haredim, who own God. (God would be surprised to learn the haredim are Jewish.)

HANNAH: Blessed art thou --

HAREDIM: Nazi! (They throw chairs at her, spit on her, beat her up. They wrench the Torah from her hands.)

(Policemen move in. They are Israeli policemen, so you can't expect much from them. They do not arrest the haredim, because they are violent. It is much easier to arrest Hannah.)

HANNAH: What's the charge? Breaking a chair with my face?

POLICEMAN: You were praying.

HANNAH: So? I'm a Jew!

POLICEMAN: No, you're a woman.

HAREDIM: Nazi! Nazi! (It is illegal throughout the Western world to call someone a Nazi, except in Israel if you're a haredi addressing a Jew. Don't argue, that's the way it is.)

HANNAH: Is this Afghanistan? (THIS is going too far. The policeman has been offended. He slams her to the ground. Hannah and Rahel are handcuffed, and dragged off to a police car.)

HAREDIM: Blessed art thou...

OBSCENE II

(In the police car, on the way to jail)

RAHEL: Mommy, will we get home in time to light the Hanukka candles?

HANNAH: I don't think so, honey.

RAHEL: Oh. What's Hanukka about, anyway?

HANNAH: It recalls when the Jewish people won religious freedom.

RAHEL: Gee, I'm glad we did.

HANNAH: It started when a series of harsh decrees were enacted against us. Jewish worship was forbidden, we weren't allowed to keep our customs, and the Torah scrolls were confiscated. Persecution followed.

RAHEL: Wow! And then?

HANNAH: Well, Judah the Maccabee defeated the tyrannical enemy. Then he freed  Jerusalem and rededicated the Temple -- exactly where we were praying, this very day 2,166 years ago.

RAHEL: Why?

HANNAH: So that Jews could once again worship God in peace and security. 

RAHEL: Hmm...

HANNAH: Know why we're going to jail?

RAHEL: Must be because we did something really, really bad. Like terrorists.

HANNAH: Worse. We prayed.

RAHEL: Are we criminals, Mommy?

HANNAH: Yes. Last week a series of harsh decrees were enacted against women. Jewish worship is forbidden, we aren't allowed to keep our customs, and our Torah scrolls must be confiscated. Prosecution follows.

RAHEL: Are we Maccabees?

HANNAH: Yes.

OBSCENE III

(A courtroom. It is the eighth day of Hanukka. Behind the Judge is an Israeli flag. Off to the side is a hanukkia.)

JUDGE: Next case!

CLERK: The State versus Jewish Women.

(Hannah and Rahel are hauled in, handcuffed. Hannah is representing herself; a haredi lawyer, Rosenblum, is representing the State.)

(The courtroom is filled with a multitude of haredi politicians, including lawmakers of the ironically-named United Torah Judaism party, and the cynically-named Sephardi Torah Guardians, who are representing God. Among the spectators there are no women, God forbid, because the haredim wouldn't let them in, and who's gonna argue with them?)

JUDGE: To begin with --

ROSENBLUM: Objection!

JUDGE: Already?

ROSENBLUM: (Shielding his eyes from Hannah) Her elbows.

JUDGE: Right. (To the Clerk:) Drape her.

ROSENBLUM: The girl too. (It is God's will; it is done)

JUDGE: Anything else?

ROSENBLUM: The flag. It offends the sensibilities of the spectators. (The flag is removed)

JUDGE: Ahem. The defendant is charged with being a Jew and a woman, and breaking the Holy Sites Law of 1967, Paragraph 2, amendment 2a newly-enacted last week: "No religious ceremony shall be held in the women's section near the Western Wall that includes taking out a Torah scroll and reading from it, blowing the shofar, or wearing a tallit or tefillin." How do you plead?

ROSENBLUM: She's guilty.

JUDGE: I wasn't asking you.

ROSENBLUM: It wouldn't be right for a woman's voice to be heard in the presence of all these holy men. I will answer for the woman. She's guilty.

JUDGE: Right. Seven years in prison. Next case!

ROSENBLUM: Objection!

JUDGE: You're kidding.

ROSENBLUM: The woman is also charged with resisting arrest, offending a police officer, and insulting the integrity of the State by comparing it to a fundamentalist, barbaric, undemocratic, uncivilized, unenlightened regime. Oh, and breaking public property with her face. Also, she is accused of being a Nazi.

JUDGE: Life. That should cover everything.

ROSENBLUM: Objection!

JUDGE: (getting restless) Nu?

ROSENBLUM: Well, the woman is also suspected of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. (The spectators gasp) The kid was praying too. A girl! (pandemonium erupts) We have witnesses.

JUDGE: Can we leave it at life imprisonment? Like, we can't exactly burn her at the stake. (The haredi MKs are surprised to hear that. Given a couple of days, they could arrange it)

ROSENBLUM: (furious) Just what you'd expect from these anti-haredi courts!

JUDGE: (reminding himself who's running the country, he glimpses at the multitude of haredi lawmakers, whose will and wisdom he must carry out) OK, OK. Death to the woman.

HANNAH: But your honor, Halacha permits --

JUDGE: Silence!

HANNAH: -- And the Supreme Court decided in favor of --

JUDGE: The death sentence, PLUS a month in prison for contempt of court! Next case!

(Forty thousand handcuffed women are ushered in. Each one is wearing a tallit.)

ROSENBLUM: Your honor, may I suggest a plea-bargain in this case. They are women, they are Jews, they were caught praying to God. They are sinful criminals worse than the Nazis. But it's getting late, so give them each seven years and get them out of here, so we can light the Hanukka candles.

JUDGE: I have no objections. You?

ROSENBLUM: The State rests.

(The lawbreakers are locked up, as the lawmakers gather round the little hanukkia)

ALL THE MEN: "Blessed art thou, Lord our God, King of the universe, who has sanctified us with thy commandments..." (All are smiling radiantly, infused with the festival's message of freedom) "... O God ... Restore my house of prayer, where I will offer thee thanks ..." 

ALL THE WOMEN: (Oddly, they are saying the same thing)

(Addendum: scheduled to be voted into law in the Knesset last week, the bill to impose a seven-year prison sentence on women for praying at the Wall with religious accoutrements was postponed. I don’t know why. What could be more important than this?)