20/9/02

If, Biblically

Things would be different if Abraham weren't so obedient, or if Goliath had Samson's hair.

 

Let's talk Torah here. Because it's that time of year, and that's what's expected of journalistic sages in the Holy Land, and there's nothing else to write about but The Situation, and it's all been said already except for what Arafat's going to do with those 10,000 virgins when he gets to paradise, and I'd rather not get into that.

So I'd like to, y'know, do some Torah stuff.

(It's OK, I got permission from Rabbi Riskin.)

Thank God, I say, things worked out the way they did. What if Eve had said no to the snake? Besides the fact that snakes today would be scurrying around on little feet, and the entire human race would be shoulder-to-shoulder in the Garden of Eden, and the Palestinians would be saying the Tree of Knowledge is theirs because they were here first, boy, would everything be different. Having failed to acquire knowledge, and allowed to remain in paradise (Jewish paradise doesn't have virgins, it has bubbehs and zaydes), all of humanity would be theretofore and sincefromthen dumb gardeners. Sin, guilt and clothing would never have come about. Everybody would be content and good and boring. A Torah would be unnecessary, prayer superfluous, and thus, where would we go on Saturday mornings?

The Flood didn't just happen. Noah first had to say the Prayer For Rain. Well, what if he had prayed for a nice, sunny day? The issue here is population control: today, instead of a manageable five billion humans tracing their forefatherhood to one single man, we'd be in the trillions -- and if not for the Tower of Babel incident, they'd all be living right here, in the Middle East, speaking Mesopotamian.

Methuselah died, tragically, at the age of 969. If he hadn't been such a heavy smoker, he might have lived to 1,000. We can learn from that.

If God had not made us His chosen people, the goyim wouldn't hate us, and what kind of a world would it be? Very different. For instance, maybe it would be the Belgians or Bolivians sitting in huts and waving fronds during the next week, and the world would be yelling at them during UN conferences, and the Jews could celebrate the New Year at the beginning of the year (which makes sense), like normal people. The Zoroastrians were not chosen, and they are not noticed. We could have been like that.

"Nu? We're late," Abraham said. "But I can't find my thongs," young Isaac replied. Had they got to Mount Moriah on time, the antlered ram would still be on its way, God would not yet have arrived at His second thoughts, and Isaac would not have subsequently begat the Jewish People, leaving Ishmael to do all the semitic begetting, and it would be the Arabs who have to obey the Ten Commandments and 613 mitzvot. Hah! That would be different, wouldn't it?

The Torah teaches us, if nothing else, that when you decide something, think about the possible effects a few thousand years later. Like when Sarah asked Abraham to chuck out Ishmael. He thought about it, and decided OK, the swarthy kid goes. That started the intifada. That got the Arabs mad at us. If he decides no? A whole different world. Ishmael doesn't go wandering about the Middle East, meeting interesting women, propagating his resentful seed where 23 Muslim countries exist today.

Miriam convinces her parents to remarry, which they do, and Moses is then born. Imagine how different the world would be, especially Charlton Heston's acting career, if her parents had answered Miriam: "You're just a little girl, you don't understand adult problems, go out and play."

What if Leah had insisted on a prenuptual agreement?

Or if Eve wasn't attracted to Adam, and held out for better?

Good thing Eve chose fig leaves, and not poison ivy.

Joseph dreams of dancing wheat sheaves. The king gets word. Next thing you know, Joseph gets the job of viceroy, in charge of Egypt's wheat, like a dream come true. I asked some of my pals, none of them ever dreamed of dancing wheat sheaves. Guys generally dream of gorgeous women, with or without a ladder, like Jacob did. (Scholars say the angels weren't women, but I saw the pictures, and boy, are they!) If Joseph had Jacob's dream, like any normal guy, he'd have been put in charge of Egypt's women. Well, just think of it: like the Torah says, "Man does not live by bread alone." Egypt today wouldn't be overpopulated.

And Joseph's coat of many colors. What if he wore a black coat? You know how today's haredim are: davka, they'd be walking around in coats of many colors.

If Goliath had Samson's hair, the King David Hotel would be named something else.

Sex is a big thing in the Bible, and if you read between the lines, it gets real kinky. I only found out recently, because when I was a schoolboy, that stuff was red-penciled outta there -- either by the rabbis, or the government censor. I don't want to get into details, because it's the High Holidays and all that, but I'll tell you this: If instead of learning that long, boring biblical who's who list of who begat whom, we had been taught how they got begat, I would've studied my head off, and I might be a rabbi today. On the other hand, if we'd focused more on sexy Solomon, and less on thou-shalt-not guys like Jeremiah and Elijah, my mother would've yanked me out of yeshiva.

If Pessah observance reflected what really happened at the Exodus, we'd be up to our knees in sand, not Sano. C'mon, let's get real about Pessah! Shmear some blood on your doorpost and go for a nice hike in the desert, cuz that's what it's all about.

The Bible gives us some pretty interesting ideas on how to deal with our enemies. I don't think it would go over so well nowadays, but we could count on tidal waves wiping out invading armies, the sun standing still upon request, and everything from floods to droughts to kill off the bad guys. We wouldn't need an army. In fact, we'd need only one long-haired Jew conking terrorists on the head with the jawbone of an ass. It would solve the Palestinian problem like that. And we'd all be sitting at home, innocently playing Scrabble, and who could accuse us of anything?

If Joshua hadn't toppled the wall at Jericho, we wouldn't have to build one today.

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