20/10/00

What, You Didn't Know the Torah is Palestinian?

It is not true they have no history. Jesus was the first Palestinian, they founded Jerusalem, and now, it turns out, they also wrote the Torah. No, really.

(Selected excerpts)

In the beginning God created havoc on earth. And the earth was without form and void, and Jews there were not. And God said, yalla, Let there be light. And lo, a Palestinian discovered fire, and walla, there was light. And God called it a day.

And God said, let there be a firmament, and it was filled with a thousand beautiful virgins waiting for suicide bombers. And they waited and waited, for as the saying goeth, patience is a virgin.

And Mankind was made in His image, swarthy with a mustache, and he was benempt Qadam. Then God sayeth, hallas, a five-day work week is enough. But Qadam quoth, whoa there, what about my beast of burden? And God said, forsooth, I have already given you the camel and the donkey. And the Palestinian said, no, I mean the wife. And so a rib was transplanted from him unto her, and she spake Arabic, but only with permission.

And they were put into the Garden of Eden and commanded not to eat from the tree of knowledge. Alas, in time, an apple was filched, and the wrath of God wroth upon Qadam. But the man had no need for knowledge, and he said unto God: The Jews did it. And Ovadia Yosef who knoweth God said, it was the snake, for thus is the Palestinian called by the wise rabbi.

Qadam hid from God for he was naked. Swiftly did his wife sew him a keffiyeh, for to cover his nudeness. And Qadam wrapt it upon himself, but sayeth the woman: fool, not on your head!

The Lord interrogated Khan, where is Abed thy brother? And he said, Abed who? And the Lord shook him violently, which is against the law, and so the Court interrogated the Lord and Khan was set free.    

And it rained forty days and forty nights, and Ali Baba and the forty thieves snuck up on the ark and stole all the animals.

And the rain covered all the mountains, and the Jews were blamed.

The dove found no rest, and returned unto the ark, and was beaten to death. So Noah despatched a camel, and the camel filled its humps, and the waters forthwith subsided.

And the Jewish contractor said, Come, let us build a tower that will reach the heaven. And the Palestinian laborers said, Yalla. And the Lord looked down upon the construction site and said, Behold, they all speak Arabic. And He didst befuddle them with many languages, like Romanian, Thai, Chinese and Tagalog, and one could not understand the other. Therefore is the name of the place called Babble.

And Ibrahim troth a wife Sarai, and Sarai, who was a Jewess, didst balk at cleaning their tent, so Ibrahim commandeth her, hire thou an Arab cleaning lady. Sarai didst deal harshly with her, benaming her Hagar the Horrible. And Hagar did all the work for the Jew Sarai, not least of which didst she carry a son for Ibrahim, for he did know her. And an angel of the Lord said unto Hagar, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, as the sands of the desert. And Sarai bewailed and complained as to the unfairness thereof, and complained and bewailed, until the angel said, Okay already, you too. But the Jew could not abash herself to the angel and said, What, my seed shall be trampled like sand? No, they shall be like the stars of the heaven, for each Jewish child is an angel, and thus did her seed mutate arrogance and become despised.

And Ibrahim called Hagar's son Ishmael. And Ishmael called Ibrahim "abu," and this didst REALLY tick off Sarai, until the Almighty Lord did say, I will make a covenant with thee and thy seed, an everlasting covenant. And Sarai said, A covenant? And the Lord said, A covenant. And Sarai said, what KIND of covenant? And the Lord said, Circumcision. And Sarai said, You want us to SLICE OFF the tip of the penis of my son and his son and his son's son?! And the Lord said, Yes, and of thy husband too. And Ibrahim blanched. And the Lord was displeased, and said unto them, You make a mountain out of a mohel.

The Lord said unto Hagar, Ishmael's hand will be against every man. For this is my covenant with thee. And Hagar said unto the Lord, Can he start now? And the child Ishmael did throw rocks at the child Isaac.

And the Jews were evil and iniquitous, and the Lord sent fire and brimstone upon them in Sodom and Gomorrah, and the Palestinians said God is Great. But Lot's wife looked back, and became a pillar of salt, and it was years before Lot even realized.

Yakub dreamed a dream, and behold a ladder set upon the earth, with beautiful fat angels going up and down on it, and Yakub said, What a dream! Sayeth the Lord, control thyself, you dream not of women but of land, for I shall give you land for thy seed. And Yakub did prostrate himself upon the land, but it was not the same.

And the Lord said unto Yakub, from this place you shall spread to the west and the east and the north and the south, and forsooth, from God's mouth it transpired, for the seed of Yakub spread to every place but this place.

Yusuf's caftan of many colors was stripped off by his brethren, and he was cast into a pit. And they slew him not, but sold him for a pittance to Ishmaelite merchants laden with gum balm and ladanum and felafel on the way to Egypt, wherein dwelt the Egyptians. And wouldn't you know, it came to pass that the Palestinian became rich and powerful hutz la'aretz.

I have been a stranger in a strange land.

And the Lord said to Moussa, I will deliver the Palestinians from Egypt to a land flowing with botz and arak.

And Moussa said to God, when I come to the children of Balestine, and they say, Who sent me, who shall I say. And God said, Allah. And Moussa said, Walla. And God said, Yalla.

And Moussa said to the Lord, but I am slow of tongue, and fat of lips, and I cannot even say Balestine.

And the Lord promised the children of Palestine a punishment to the Jewish mothers and wives, for He said: Passover shall they keep, and Pessah cleaning be a scourge unto them.

And the Almighty spoke these words, saying: I am the Lord thy Allah; Thou shalt make carved likenesses of camels in olivewood; Thou shalt take my name in vain to justify wanton murder; Six days thou shalt do work, with Fridays off; Honor thy father and thy mother through martyrdom; Thou shalt murder; Thou shalt punish adultery with honor killing; Thou shalt steal from Jews; Thou shalt bear false witness as it please thee; Thou shalt covet thy Jewish neighbor's car (See "Thou shalt steal," above).

Man does not live by pita alone, so let them eat halla.

And the Lord said unto Moussa, Behold, there is the land I have promised, from Gaza to Jericho to -- hey, where goest thou? And Moussa said, into the land and to Al-Quds, to pray at the Great Mosque, and I'd better hie nigh, for I am twenty and one hundred years, if you knowest what I mean. And the Lord said, uh-uh, thou art a Palestinian leader, go no further. And Moussa pouted his fat lips at the border, and died.