16/9/94

Succas of the Rich and Famous

You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy this whirlwind tour of the greatest succas ever built.

    "Welcome to another episode of ‘Homes of the Rich and Famous.’ Tonight, your host Johnny Fleischmeister makes a special trip to far-off, exotic Israel. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there are rich and famous people out there, and homes you wouldn't believe.
    "But we're not going halfway around the world just to see a couple of obscenely ostentatious villot. Uh-uh. In this special presentation, we're going to show you some of the most sumptuous huts ever built. You heard me right, folks: huts.
    "All you viewers with Jewish friends have probably seen them hard at work building those ramshackle toolsheds on their balconies. They're called 'succas', and they commemorate the temporary housing the Israelites littered the desert with, back in the Bible days.
    "But hey, you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy tonight's show. Even you antisemites will ooh and aah ... on this whirlwind tour of the greatest succas ever built.
    "But first, a word from our sponsor."
    "This program is brought to you by ... Flit, cockroach spray to the rich and famous. Because even the Rockefellers have unexpected visitors. Flit. Bugs swear by it."
    "Hello, I'm Johnny Fleischmeister, speaking to you from the Mediterranean resort town of Kfar Millionim. We're at the home of Asher Hirvachti -- or, shall I say, at his incredible succa. Picassos on the walls, a sunken Jacuzzi tastefully tucked into one corner, the maid's quarters at the other end. Rottweilers guarding every entrance. The mahogany Chippendale table can seat the entire congregation of the Olive v'Shalom Synagogue, where Asher davens.
    "Tell me, Asher, why go to such expense if you're only going to use it for seven days?"
    "I'll tell you why, Johnny. I was dirt-poor as a kid, and -- Yankele, don't make crumbs in here, go eat in the kitchen -- and I promised myself I would never live a day in poverty when I grew up. Tirzah, for Chrissakes get those bloody flowers out of the Ming. So, what, I should compromise my vow and live in luxury for only 358 days a year? You see, Johnny, this is what I call the Succa of Success, a monument to man's triumph over -- Jesus, Moishele, close the sunroof, you'll spoil the air-conditioning..."
    "Certainly impressive, Mr. Hirvachti. Thank you for inviting us in. Next, we go across the street, where we'll give you a guided tour through the Ninth Wonder of the Jewish World. But first, let's take a commercial break."
    "Br-r-r-r-ump. Br-r-r-r-ump. Tar-r-r-ump ump ump. Somewhere. On this great planet. Is a girl. Starving to death. Tar-r-r-ump. Her name. Is Fathima. Bumbumbumbumbummmm -- Homeless. Orphaned. Penniless. Diseased. Palestinian. And she has no one to blame but... nnnnnnnn-eow! ... You. (Breathless pause.) Please. Beg your government to keep its promise to little Fathima. Help win the release of millions in aid, presently stuck in Western banks, earning interest. If President Arafat does not get money today... CLANG-G-G-G-G-G-G ... Fathima will be dead tomorrow. hoummmmmmmm." (Close-up, fade, graphics, logo.)  
    "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is. Alka-Seltzer. Don't leave the table without it."
    "You're back with Johnny Fleischmeister in Kfar Millionim, Israel, and you're about to see a world-first. A Christmas tree in a succa. We're visiting  with Oizer and Elizabeth Featherstonehaugh-Katzenellenbogen, a billionaire couple with a remarkable story. Tell me, Mr. -- ah, Oizer, how did you make your fortune?"
    "Circumcisions."
    "Big tips? Ha, ha."
    "Ha, ha. But seriously, Johnny, my clientele pays handsomely for my services. I'm the official circumcisor to wealthy sheiks throughout the Arab world. In fact, that's how I met Elizabeth. She was an English nanny in Abu Dhabi, taking care of a prince's 12 daughters. And then, on the first day of our Feast of Tabernacles, he was provided with twin sons. You can imagine his joy. I was summoned. You can imagine my fee. I earned enough to buy this house, and they gave me Elizabeth as a bonus. We fell in love, got married, and decided to build a tribute to all the faiths."
    "Wow. That explains the stunning array of icons, statues, artifacts and -- even the very architecture of the succa. Hindu, I'd say, sort of looks like --"
    "Right you are, Johnny. I call it the Taj Mohel. A monument of love to my Covenant with God. It's made of pure white marble, inlaid with precious jewels and faced with Jerusalem stone."
    "Jerusalem stone?"
    "Yup, used to be the top row of stones from the Western Wall. The architect's idea. He cleaned them up, smoothed them out, polished 'em and then chiseled his name and phone number on the stone over the doorway."
    "Fabulous!"
    "Thanks, Johnny. We're very proud of it. Now let me show you the ceiling."
    "But it's just branches and twigs."
    "Homage to humble Jewish tradition. It's called s'chach, all succas have it. Of course, the branches are from an olive tree we chopped down on the top of Mount Ararat. And the twigs we cut off a burnt bush on Mount Sinai. Certified authentic, I assure you."
    "Truly amazing, Mr. --, ah, Oizer. Thank you for showing us around."
    "Hag sameach to you and all your viewers."
    "Indeed. Well, folks, that has to be the ultimate in palatial succas. Or is it? If bigger is better, then the biggest succa in the world must be the best. Come along, ladies and gentlemen, to Godland, a religious wonderworld even ‘Ripley's Believe It or Not’ wouldn't believe.
    "Lord and Lady Unger-Patchket of Upper Shtetl Drive have consented to personally accompany us through their succa. What can you tell us about yourselves, sir?"
    "I'm from Lithuania. My wife's Hungarian. That's all there is to tell, really."
    "Simple, humble folks just don't built a succa the size of the Pale of Settlement. Ma'am, can you tell us more?"
    "We want to bring people closer to Judaism, Johnny, and that's why we built Godland. The neighborhood kids come for the video arcade, but they have to kiss the mezuza to get in. Anyone who puts on tefillin can swim in our Olympic-sized pool for free. The sound system pipes in cantorials Muzak-style, 24-hours a day. Come with us on the monorail, I'll show you our Glatt Kosher McDonald's on the other side of the golf course, in the northwest-region mall."
    "Lady Unger-Patchket, do you mean to say you've got all this under one roof?"
    "Not exactly: there's no roof. It's all s'chach up there, $34 million worth of it. That's what makes it a halachically kosher succa."
    "I see. How many people can you accommodate for the holiday?"
    "So glad you asked, Johnny. Do you know how many Israelites wandered through the desert to the Holy Land? Six hundred thousand. Do you know how many Jews were here when the State of Israel was proclaimed? Six hundred thousand. Do you know how many people we can seat for a traditional Succot meal? That's right: six hundred thousand. An incredible coincidence, no?"
    "Gee, is there anything you haven't thought of?"
    "Not a thing. In fact, this succa has something no other succa in the world has: its own succa."
    "Thank you. Well, folks, our time is almost up, but before we sign off, I'd like to take you from the world's largest succa to the world's smallest.
    "It wasn't easy to find Reb Shtickel. Somewhere on a nameless lane in the middle of squalid, teeming Mea Shearim, ducking under clotheslines and stepping over soapy puddles, we finally found him squeezed into his tiny tin hut. And that was his house. His succa is even smaller.
    "Hello, rabbi. Mind if we look around?"
    "It's a free world. You want a little soup maybe?"
    "Thanks, no. We only have a minute. Can you tell me about this place?"
    "What's to tell? There's two and a half walls from cardboard, a leaf on top, a dirt floor, a little picture my grandson drew and a door to get in and out. A soup bowl, a spoon and me. What more does a person need?"
    "But it's so ... so small."
    "Big enough to do a mitzva in."
    "But --"
    "Look mister, you want fancy, you've got the wrong address. If you want Jewish, give a look, this is it."
    "No offense, rabbi, but it doesn't look Jewish. Not like what we saw in Kfar Millionim."
    "So that's your problem. You don't think this succa has something they don't have?"
    "Frankly, no. I can't think of even one thing."
    "Then I'll tell you."
    "Twenty million viewers across America would like to know, rabbi."
    "Just God."