(written for eLuna Website)

Restaurant review:

Ye Olde English Tea Room (no longer in business)

    Somewhere between the six-hour Japanese tea ceremony, and the six-second Israeli tea dip-and-gulp, is a proper cuppa as only the English can be bothered to make.
    Knowing how huffy the Brits get about their last vestige of greatness, it is unthinkable that they would have anything good to say about Israeli tea. Well, think again; these mind-boggling words come from a London journalist, Jeffrey Taylor, of the Sunday Express:
    "Jerusalem offers one of the best cups of tea in the world."
    I don't know who should be more shocked by those words, them or us.
    The cakes, Taylor writes, are "too exquisite for words."
    This is actually typical British understatement, for it's even better than that.
    He was, of course, writing about Ye Olde English Tea Room.
    Now, if Mr. Taylor would kindly excuse himself from my review, I will carry on alone.
    First, let us dispel two misconceptions about the Tea Room: it is not merely tea-and-fixin's, but a full-menu restaurant; and the proprietor is not a distant niece of the queen. Esther Korson is -- gasp! -- a Connecticut Yankee.
    This is entirely too much for me: the English melting their stiff upper lips on tea served by an American-Israeli!
    Esther has the fine touches down to a -- well, down to a tea. The staffers are indigenous natives, but trained to think British. The premises are charming, quite a feat considering that it was a dismal wreck when Esther moved in. The furnishings and decor are an eclectic mix that clicks. The menu, a delight. I was especially impressed that there is no microwave on the premises: these days, that says something.
    Ye Olde English Tea Room is actually three rooms, four if you count the ladies' loo. I only mention that because it's worth a gander. I was coaxed to inspect it, and I must say, this is a splendrous toilette worthy of Buckingham Palace.
    The three main rooms are oddly shaped, oblong, somewhat like two train cars and a subway tunnel. But Esther and her friends worked wonders with the place, and with a few objet d'art (ranging from a bizarre medieval-style birdcage to a Tiffany lamp) and lovely redwood furniture, it has a comfy European feel. The "subway tunnel" is Esther's triumph: she found a local Michelangelo who treated the whole room as a canvas, so diners actually feel like they're having a picnic in a forest. 
    If all that means nothing to you, and you're perfectly happy with crowd noise, fluorescent lighting, and a tin tab at the end of your teabag, you might as well go to the Angel's coffee shop a block away.
    At Esther's, say "Tea, please," and you get a silver tray almost the size of your table. The tea leaves steep in a prewarmed teapot covered with a cozy. If you're going to do things properly, you'll pour the milk in your cup first, then add the tea, and rejuvenate the teapot with the provided hot water for a perfect second, third and fourth cup. Please avoid slurping loudly.
    But all that came later. We started with an assortment of elegant miniature sandwiches, served on a triple-deck silver platter (NIS 28 or 52). These delightful little roulades are made of a variety of breads, including cranberry bread and an amazing date-nut bread, with fillings ranging from cherry to tuna to (my favorite) cheese and chutney. There is also that incomprehensible British favorite, cucumber sandwich.
    The menu, cleverly, is divided into Olde England and New England. I inquired whether it would be kosher to eat from both sides. I was kidding, of course.
    Starting off on the western Atlantic shore, we had to sample their specialty, the New England Corn Chowder (NIS 20). I say "sample," but beware: this is a humungous meal in itself. Served in a bowl the size of one of the smaller Great Lakes, the soup is creamy, hearty and utterly wonderful.
    The New England menu includes, ironically, Welsh Rarebit (NIS 32). There's also poached salmon or rainbow trout (NIS 55 each), and a variety of salads (NIS 24-29). We never would have thought to ask for the Tea Room Salad, a seemingly haphazard melange of leftovers: orange bits, mushrooms, slivered almonds and lettuce with honey-mustard dressing. Dee-licious! A creative, inspired recipe.
    From Ye Olde side of the menu, we considered the Ploughman's Lunch (NIS 32), a popular pub dish consisting of cheddar cheese, salad, picalilli and bread, with a mug-o'-malt quaff; or the C.O.P. Pie (NIS 36), cheese, onion and potato; we settled on the Fish & Chips (NIS 40), the cod so perfectly cooked it was light and crispy, not the least bit oily. Alas, it was not served on a copy of the London Times.
    My date was most demure throughout the meal, allowing me to choose for us both, but when it came time to select the tea, we nearly came to blows: I insisted on a pot of robust Darjeeling, but agreed to compromise only as far as English Breakfast. She petulently insisted on Earl Grey, but would graciously accept Jasmine. (This tells you something about our relationship: there were only those four flavors to choose from.) Fearing a full-blown scene, Esther provided a brilliant solution: separate teapots. We kissed and made up, but unlike the rest of the meal, we refused to share.
    We had to have tea (NIS 9.50), but utterly satiated, reluctantly eschewed any of the alluring desserts. That is, until the waitress passed by with a plate for another table. My woman's eyes lit up. "I WANT," she announced. "Ah, yes," Esther said with a pleasurable sigh, "the Sticky Toffee Pudding. You have to try that." What, we're going to say no? We found room for that too, and our tummies cooed contentedly.
    This place is a fine discovery. Smack in the middle of downtown Jerusalem, it is off a narrow alley, so you're far from the crowds - even if you dine on the lovely patio.
    You know what delighted me most? When the tea arrived, cozy in its traditional cozy, I remarked that this was a welcome sign of civility. Esther chuckled, and then showed us ... an egg cozy! 
    We've come a long way, in this country, from the comical image of the old Histadrut tea lady to elegant Esther, Ye Olde Tea Lady.